From strangers to partners: how to build powerful relationships

Full Transcript:

If you’re like me, you want to impress everyone you meet. Whether it’s with a new client, a colleague, or one of the other parents at your kids’ school, you might feel a pressure to perform — to say the right thing, to look like you’ve got it all together. But what we’re learning as a community is that relationships are more meaningful and enjoyable when you stop caring so much what other people think and dare to be yourself. And the not-so-surprising part is…most people want you to stop pretending too. So, let’s talk about why being yourself is key to turning Strangers into Partners.

Have you ever met someone who seems a little too polished? The kind of person who’s never having a bad day or has never struggled with anything? If yes, I want you to think about that person now. Do you find it hard to relate to that person? Do you ever find yourself feeling suspicious or jealous? If yes, that makes sense according to a number of studies which suggest that people trust you more when you’re selectively vulnerable about your flaws.

One study of over 36,000 people found that being authentic leads to better relationships, higher self-esteem, and less stress. By being true to ourselves, we attract people who accept and appreciate us for who we are, rather than people who only like us for the image we project.

And learning to become more authentic in social situations can have a compounding effect on our overall well-being. If we begin attracting people who accept and appreciate us, we tend to communicate more easily and feel less insecurity. And by feeling more confident and secure in our authentic interactions, we more powerfully attract people who accept and appreciate us.

Why is this?

Well, when you’re selectively vulnerable about challenges you’re facing, people don’t think less of you - they find you more relatable. And being able to acknowledge your weaknesses signals both self-awareness and confidence.

As a quick side note, authenticity without boundaries is reckless which is why I keep mentioning selective vulnerability. Broadcasting your deepest, darkest fears or biggest moral failures isn’t appropriate for new or casual relationships. Save those for your closest friends or therapist.

So, if being imperfect is proven to help us build closer, healthier relationships, why do we still feel the need to present a filtered, polished version of ourselves?

Because deep down, many of us believe acting will lead to acceptance. We think if we can present the “right” version of ourselves—confident, successful, put together—people will respect us more, trust us more, and want to work with us. But that belief is rooted in our own insecurities, not reality.

Acting feels safe because it hides the parts of ourselves we’re afraid others won’t like. But the irony is, authenticity will help attract the right people to you.

One of the coolest examples of this in real estate is the practice of writing a love letter.

I have friends that just purchased a home well below market value which is the dream scenario for every first-time home buyer. How did they do this? It wasn’t because they were shrewd, savvy or timed the market perfectly. They didn’t pounce on a distressed property or come up with an all-cash offer. They wrote a love letter.

This family knew the exact neighborhood they wanted to live in. They knew where they wanted their 6 and 8-year olds to go to school. The problem was that they couldn’t afford the asking prices for any of the listings in that neighborhood. So, they wrote a love letter. An explanation of who they are, their exact financial situation, why it was their dream to live in that specific neighborhood. They included that love letter in every offer they made but also passed it around the neighborhood.

It just so happens that there was a family in that neighborhood, with a 6 and 8-year-old, who needed to move out of state. They were sad to leave their family home and wanted it to go to a good family. And when they read this love letter, the one that clearly explained this family couldn’t afford their home, they were overjoyed. They met and ended up accepting a below-market offer because they made a real connection.

Your imperfections don’t have to be weaknesses – they can be entry points for connection. The next time you’re tempted to hide a mistake or pretend you have everything figured out, remember: Real relationships aren’t built on perfection. They’re built on trust, and trust starts the moment you stop acting and embrace whatever situation you find yourself in.

Now let’s talk about how to apply this with people you meet randomly in your day-to-day.

If you’re looking to develop connections with people, research suggests it takes about three meaningful interactions to move from acquaintance to something greater. One interaction might just be basic introductions. The second could include recognizing something you have in common. By the third interaction, you’ve created enough familiarity to explore deeper topics. Or maybe this all happens the first time you meet.

Now, this doesn’t mean forcing connections with every person you meet - that would be exhausting. It just means paying attention to the people you naturally click with and nurturing those relationships.

So, here’s how to make this work:

First, start paying attention to the people you interact with in your daily life. You don’t have to go to a networking event to find someone. You already have something in common with the people who go to the same gym, or grocery store or coffee shop. Starting conversations can turn into casual friendships, meaningful relationships or maybe just better customer service in the future.

Second, be willing to both ask and answer questions. It’s pretty common when meeting someone to ask something along the lines of “what do you do for work?” While that may not be the best way to get to know someone, it fits with the goal of building a book of business. And many people enjoy talking about their work so don’t be afraid to ask follow-up questions or compliment people on doing something that you find interesting.

And third, try not to be self-centered. Too many people approach new connections like a transaction: “Can this person send me business?” or “What can I get out of this?” The problem is, people can feel when they’re being sized up. Instead, try flipping the script. Ask yourself, “What could I do to make this person’s day easier?” Maybe it’s sharing a resource, making an introduction, or just listening without rushing to talk about yourself. When you stop trying to extract value and start offering it, you end up making better connections and building deeper relationships.

Now let’s apply this to people you see regularly at work. The same principles apply, but with different opportunities to deepen the connection.

Most work relationships in the housing industry stay at “Hi, how’s the job going?” because everyone’s stretched thin. But when we keep interactions purely transactional, we miss the chance to build connections that could help us for years. Think about all the subcontractors, suppliers, and agents you interact with regularly - how many could become reliable partners if you invested just a little more in those relationships?

The same tips apply to the people you work with: be authentic, pay attention to who you click with, ask questions and try not to be self-centered. The benefits of building real relationships are pretty endless. I’ve gotten reduced pricing from trade partners. I’ve gotten expedited shipments from vendors. I’ve gotten leniency from inspectors. I’ve got referrals from the most random people.

But these benefits are the byproduct of relationships, not the goal.

Finally, let’s talk about some of your most important relationships - your clients.

Most client relationships in the housing industry follow the same basic path: you meet, you work together, you get paid, and you move on. And if this is your approach to client relationships, you probably have a tough time getting referrals.

The simple truth is: people will refer you business if they know you, like you, and trust you. So how do clients get to know you, like you and trust you? The same basic tips we’ve covered apply here too. Let’s say you’re a lender. Don’t be afraid to share your own challenges. Feel free to say, “This market is tough – but here’s how we’re helping clients navigate it.” That honesty can help anxious buyers feel understood, not sold to. And by getting to know people, you stand a better chance of learning how you can help, earning their business and, more importantly, their trust.

Because once people trust you, they’re far more likely to come back, send referrals, and think of you as a partner in their journey. In the housing industry especially, that shift from salesperson to trusted guide is what builds long-term success.

Studies show professionals who build authentic connections see 45% higher repeat business rates. That’s nearly half your clients choosing to work with you again because of real rapport.

This week, try replacing one transactional exchange with a relationship-building question or gesture. See if it changes the dynamic. See if it starts shifting the relationship from purely transactional to something greater.

Please, test this out. People want to work with other real people. And when you stop acting and start being yourself, relationships develop faster, last longer and mean more. Selective vulnerability becomes your superpower, knocking down walls and making you instantly more relatable.

And if you’re in the California housing industry and want to multiply those kinds of connections, that’s exactly what we’re building inside the California Housing Collective. Click the link below and join the waitlist because your next big opportunity won’t come from chasing leads—it’ll come from the right partner.

Keep learning, keep building and keep connecting.

Thanks for watching and we’ll see you in the next one.